TWIBS: Riley Gaines’ Special Day (X/X) Ruined by Incompetence of Riley Gaines
The former fifth place swimmer is in a dispute with Penn State after failing to file paperwork in time to reserve a room for her talk on how icky trans women are.
by Alyssa Steinsiek
Last week I wrote about Riley Gaines’ latest publicity stunt, hastily enacted to ensure that the news doesn’t accidentally forget she’s a hateful bigot: National Super Real Not Fake Serious Business No Boys Allowed Double X Chromosome Wombyn’s Day, celebrated by dumb assholes across the country on October 10th, because… you know… Roman numerals.
Fuckin’ classic!
Riley even got some slack-jawed Michigander to waste a touch of taxpayer money by introducing a resolution to the House of Representatives that would make October 10th the official day for uterus-havin’ gals.
She got me on this one. I asked who was supposed to render October 10th Real Women’s Day when I talked about Riley’s stupid ass announcement last week, and… well, question answered! An elected government official with, apparently, way too much free time on her hands!
screenshot from twitter.com
I know she doesn’t care, and that there are no “gotcha!” points you can use on these kinds of people because what they’re really after is the thrill of putting hate into the world. The exquisite delight of punching down, feeling bigger than somebody else, sneering at a stranger.
Though I might add that Riley is pretty clocky herself. Honestly, girl, you’ve got a real Moai kinda jaw to be calling me a man.
Still, it really galls me that her definition of a True Woman™️ excludes so many cisgender women.
How many cis women have struggled to breastfeed their baby and felt miserable about it? You know, never mind the fact that trans women can absolutely breastfeed, because all you really need to get the job done are nipples and mammary glands. Besides that, I guess Riley isn’t aware that every woman stops menstruating sooner or later, or that plenty of intersex women exist who don’t have two X chromosomes.
screenshot from twitter.com
But what would a silver spoon suckin’, bottle blond, vacant eyed, bible thumpin’ professional loser like Riley Gaines know about adversity? This woman’s hardest day was underperforming in a swim competition, per usual, but doing so next to a chick with a penis. She’s constantly lamenting having to discard her lofty ambitions of dentistry to become a full-time paid bigot.
Shit, I wish my problems were that low stakes. I wish I didn’t spend every day worrying about the tsunami of legislation across the country trying to take away my fucking civil liberties. I wish people weren’t allowed to talk about killing me and everybody I love and barely make the news, much less face repercussions for their behavior. I wish I had the kind of lame, simple bitch problems Riley Gaines has.
Okay! That’s enough about how easy Riley’s got it. Let’s talk about her latest professional failure!
Oh, shit! Oh, no! Riley Gaines is getting canceled! The woke moralists have finally succeeded in defeating free speech champion Riley Gaines! The woke mob got her Real Womxn’s Day speech at Penn State canceled by—
Hold on, what does that subhead say… ?
Oops… that’s embarrassing.
Yeah, so, I guess Riley was all set up to give a big speech about how yucky trans people are and how totally gross they are and don’t they just make your skin crawl ew lol at Penn State University. Hardly Penn State’s most disgusting moment, to be fair. But the realest woman herself claimed to have been unjustly canceled by the university ahead of her speaking engagement!
screenshot from twitter.com
Whoa! That’s awful! Or, you know, it would be if it were true. Penn State put out a press release clarifying that they had never canceled any speaking event featuring Riley Gaines, but that in fact Riley’s host, Turning Point USA, founded by little face big head guy Charlie Kirk, had forgotten to submit the request form for her to use an indoor venue at the campus.
If that fuck up wasn’t funny enough, Penn State confirmed that Turning Point USA had already submitted a proposal for an outdoor speaking event “celebrating free speech,” and that Riley hadn’t RSVP’d to that party until the morning AFTER she tweeted about how she’d been canceled.
This kinda stuff kills me, honest to goodness. Sometimes I get a bit wrapped up in how much dark money and secret power these sick bastards muster in the shadows to curtail my rights and kill my friends and family.
Alyssa Steinsiek is a professional writer and video games nerd who hails from Appalachia but lives, laughs, loves in Minneapolis.
CORRECTION: An editor introduced an error in the first version of this post, incorrectly mixing up Penn State and UPenn in the summary for the piece.