This Week in Barrel Scraping: Riley Gaines Doesn’t Know Shark
The former fifth-place college swimmer turned activist thought this shark was about her.
by Alyssa Steinsiek
Here we are again.
I promised I’d hold off for a while. I held off for as long as I could. But like a world heavyweight champ coming out of retirement for one last fight, I’m donning the gloves and putting in my mouth guard… or whatever… because fifth-place Gaines is talking shit about Blåhaj. I must defend the blue shark’s honor.
So, dear reader, if you could please leave the room so I can speak directly to Riley, everyone’s favorite former college swimmer and professional transphobe. I mean, don’t stop reading, just… you know, pretend I’m having an intimate one-on-one conversation with Riley now.
Riley, I’ve seen your tweet about the pro-trans protestor who attended your “library story hour” with their shark plushie. I’m also pretty sure I watched Soul Surfer when it came out, though I don’t remember anything more specific than Bethany Hamilton getting her arm sharked off. Truly harrowing stuff! I promise you if a shark bit my arm off, I’d give up on the spot. It can have the rest of me, because I just don’t have the personal fortitude to fight off Jaws.
screenshot from twitter.com
Now, I know you think they brought that shark in as some sort of weird snipe at Hamilton. You’re so convinced of the ontological evil of all trans people and anybody who supports us that you actually think we’d show up to a library ready to talk shit about a woman surviving a shark attack.
But it’s just a meme, girl. The shark, “Blåhaj”—literally, “blue shark”—is an IKEA mainstay that the trans community latched onto sometime in the mid to late 2010s. Nobody can say for certain why the Blåhaj became the crown prince(ss) plush of the trans community, besides the fact that its body is colored more or less like the trans flag; pink, blue and white.
Nobody’s out here trying to make Bethany feel shitty about her chomped off arm! Frankly, despite the fact that she’s hanging out with your tired bigoted ass, I actually think it’s insanely cool that she tussled with a fourteen-foot fucking tiger shark when she was thirteen and went back out on the water like a month later.
Again, I would simply have surrendered myself to the shark.
I do think it’s crazy that Bethany’s boycotting World Surf League for allowing trans women to surf, because like… why is surfing even gender segregated? Does testosterone summon waves of a gnarlier caliber? What am I missing here? Whatever, I don’t actually give a shit.
It’s also pretty wild that you want to critique our “tolerance” when the book you were showcasing at your story hour, Happy No Snakes Day, clearly casts trans people as biblical snakes poisoning children, you weird miserable fuck. How could you possibly think you’re not a massive hypocrite when you’re suggesting that trans people “[tell] children lies that put them in dangerous situations and compromise their own ability to think and speak the truth”? I mean, the book was published by a company that also publishes children’s books by Kevin freaking Sorbo. Antisemite and conspiracy theorist Kevin Sorbo!
Disappointed.
I’ll hit you with a few more transfemme cultural highlights, just to round out your education:
Some trans women really love pickles—or any salty snack, to be fair, though pickles really took off in the zeitgeist for some reason—because a popular testosterone blocker prescribed in America happens to be a diuretic. So if you see any trans girls chowing down on some dill spears, Riley, don’t jump to conclusions. I’m sure they aren’t making light of the tragic pickling accident that tore your family apart, or something.
Oh, and, surely you know about Dress Go Spinny? That’s a classic. See, the first time a chud calls into question your womanhood, you might be tempted to argue with them… but by the hundredth time it happens, you’ve realized that they don’t actually have any salient points about sex or gender or transition. They just hate trans people, and want to see us miserable.
So, rather than humor their annoying bullshit, you hit them with a “dress go spinny” and sashay away. And since I’d rather not humor your annoying bullshit anymore, let me just say:
haha dress go spinny~
Alyssa Steinsiek is a professional writer and video games nerd who hails from Appalachia but lives, laughs, loves in Rapid City.