TWIBS: New Freedom Summer Regulations
With Florida’s “Freedom Summer” just around the corner, Ron DeSantis and the Florida Department of Transportation have come up with some new rules curtailing the freedom of bridges all across Florida!
Humor, by Alyssa Steinsiek
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis (a soulless husk brought to life by evil magicks who’s been the winner of Tyrant Magazine’s Smallest Feet Award since 2019) has taken yet another step on the road to unparalleled freedom by banning any non-patriotic colors from bridge lights across the great state he stewards. Dubbing the initiative part of “Freedom Summer,” it seems DeSantis is mostly interested in disrupting the homosexual agenda of blasting Florida bridges in rainbow lights during June.
June, best known as Pride or national corporate pandering-to-the-gays month, often sees various displays of pro-LGBT sentiments across America. Sometimes a city will paint a crosswalk in the colors of the rainbow, or Burger King will encourage queens to keep slaying, or a bridge might be lit up gay-style… but thanks to Ron DeSantis and Florida Department of Transportation Secretary Jared Perdue, no more!
screenshot from Twitter
Fret not, the bridges shall not go unlit. As Jared kindly informed us, there’s still one color palette available: red, white and blue, baby! America! Freedom! Bald eagles! Machine guns! Destroying Latin American countries via controlled dictatorships! Stealing oil from foreign nations under the guise of retributive justice! Denying genocides!
What’s more American than a red, white and blue bridge? Absolutely nothing, except maybe a cold Bud Light, assuming you can find a drinkable one after Kid Rock’s done blasting them with his assault rifle.
The color ordinance is in effect between May 27th and September 2nd, which seems sort of counterproductive. Could local heroes not simply light their bridges up like rainbows every other day of the year, to spite governor with impotent mayor vibes Ron DeSantis?
Besides that, the new “Freedom Summer” restrictions will prevent bridges from marking other causes and holidays that they typically light up for, such as orange for National Gun Awareness Month and yellow for Women’s Equality Day. Far be it from me to criticize moldy ham sandwich with an ideological bent Ron DeSantis, but I think keeping people from doing what they want is actually the antithesis of freedom.
That’s freedon’t, baby.
screenshot from Twitter
Ooh, I see. There’s the freedom.
Mind you, the idea for this brilliant freedom reduction didn’t exactly originate with DeSantis or Perdue. According to the Tampa Bay Times, the rules change comes in response to a complaint from Manatee County Commission Chairman Mike Rahn, who took umbrage specifically with the Lower Tampa Bay’s Sunshine Skyway Bridge lighting up to commemorate Pride and gun violence awareness.
You know you’re on the right side of things when your greatest outrage is a bridge changing colors to support the LGBTQ+ community and remind everybody that guns kill.
I think it’s fair to say that Florida, as a state, is mega cooked. This has always been the case, of course; everybody knows about Florida Man. But in recent years Governor Ron DeSantis has amped up the crazy in order to pander to the brainless MAGA types who keep him in office. From Don't Say Gay to banning gender marker changes on licenses, to making climate change denial official state policy and engaging in verbal warfare with Disney for some reason, it’s fair to say that unhinged lunacy is all part of the plan in the Sunshine State.
While it isn’t nearly as heinous as other moves DeSantis and his people have made, explicitly banning specific colors from bridge lights all across the state certainly takes the cake as the most petty thing they’ve done to spite the queer community of late.
Personally, I think whoever’s in charge of the lights should tell the state to kick rocks and turn them whatever color they want. Failing that, consider this act of malicious compliance: You have three colors to work with, but you don’t have to use all of them!
Cast every bridge in Florida in nothing but bright red light for a few weeks and I guarantee they’ll start reconsidering “Freedom Summer.”
Alyssa Steinsiek is a professional writer and video games nerd who cohosts a podcast about trans news!
