This Week in Barrel Scraping: Meet Broana, the Trans Moana
A satire site invented a sequel to Moana where the titular Disney character transitions to become a boy and conservatives are falling for it bigtime.
by Alyssa Steinsiek
As sure as the tide will return after it recedes; as sure as the full moon will wax and wane; as sure as the trees will shed their leaves when autumn comes and grow them anew when spring arrives—a bunch of idiots have fallen for a satirical website’s fake “wokeness run amok” headline.
Breaking, from Mouse Trap News! Moana is set to become the first “Transgender Disney Princess [sic].” What a win for trans representation! Mouse Trap News, a certifiably real and serious publication that only releases factual statements, goes on to point out that Disney has repeatedly released animated films that flop, both because they “[use] AI to write movies” and because they “[push] a social agenda on parents.”
But the haters are aghast! They are furious! How could Disney do this?! Don’t they know that if you go woke, it follows that you must then go broke?
It’s hard to listen to what the haters have to say when, of course, Mouse Trap News is… very up front about the fact that everything they publish is fake.
screenshot from Mouse Trap News
I know the anti-woke brigade aren’t the brightest bunch, but like… come on. Damn.
This isn’t even the first time in recent memory that Mouse Trap News has published an obviously fake, inflammatory piece about made up queer inclusivity in Disney films. Back in October, they ran an article claiming that Elsa, of Frozen fame, would be marrying a woman in Frozen 3. In the lede, they also claim that Mickey and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce.
Tragic news.
Okay, so, print journalism is dead, right? Maybe nobody’s visiting Mouse Trap News’ website to read their articles and see the satire disclaimer in their “about” section. Maybe they’ve only seen the equally satirical TikTok video they put out, which has… over 23,000 fucking comments, holy shit.
I could buy that, sure. Give those folks just a little grace. If Mouse Trap News’ TikTok account didn’t look like this:
screenshot from TikTok
What’s the problem, y’all?
I mean… how do you even live your life being this gullible? Is this why pyramid schemes work so well? As sure as the tide will return after it recedes; as sure as the full moon will wax and wane; as sure as the trees will shed their leaves when autumn comes and grow them anew when spring arrives—a bunch of idiots have fallen for a satirical website’s fake “wokeness run amok” headline. Is this how you repay the venerable trees, and the Lorax, who shepherd the undeserved air into your greedy little lungs, you fucks?
screenshot from TikTok
Look at them! Look at these rubes! These buffoons! These incompetents! Do you see how many LIKES their posts have? Tens of thousands of lemmings, rushing towards the edge of a transphobic cliff! They’re so psyched at the idea of hating trans inclusiveness in mass media that they don’t give the first shit about whether or not they’re treating blatant, labeled satire as fact.
Then again, some form of queer rep in a Moana sequel isn’t totally impossible.
Moana’s directors have stated before that Disney hasn’t placed explicit restrictions on where they take the character, and suggested that there are options on the table, so to speak. And the actress who portrayed the movie’s titular main character, Auli’i Cravalho, came out as bisexual a few years ago. She’s also spoken out in defense of trans people in response to cheap microwave burrito Ron DeSantis’s evil, disgusting ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill.
But there’s no way Disney’s brave enough to put out a hugely anticipated sequel with a trans star. I doubt they’ve even got it in them to throw in a trans sidekick somewhere. If we’re lucky, Moana might smooch another girl—but I wouldn’t hold my breath on that, either.
Frankly, we gotta stop waiting for massive corporations like Disney to spoon feed us half-assed, milquetoast “representation” in their movies and TV shows.
Until we’re a significant segment of the audience worth pandering to for money—if we ever are—they aren’t interested in representing us, and they definitely don’t know how to do it properly.
If you want my advice? Go buy the books and games trans people make, or sign up to some half-decent trans YouTuber’s Patreon. You’ll feel a whole lot better supporting actual queer artists, and you’ll get way more bang for your buck, too.
By the way, I haven’t seen a single other outlet reporting on fake trans Moana using the word “Broana,” and I’m really fucking disappointed. In all of you. For shame.
Alyssa Steinsiek is a professional writer and video games nerd who hails from Appalachia but lives, laughs, loves in Rapid City.