This Week in Better Satire: Trans Women Banned From Playing Santa

Transgender women have “unfair advantage” in mall Santa competition, according to this joke we’re making up.

SATIRE by Alyssa Steinsiek

(photo illustration by Alyssa Steinsiek)

Breaking news from the National International Association of Transcontinental Mall Santas (NIATM): Transgender women, deemed to possess an “insurmountable [and] unfair natural advantage in competition,” have been permanently barred from playing the role of beloved Saint Nicholas at any of the seventeen NIATM-sanctioned malls across Nebraska, Kansas and Oklahoma.

This extremely precedented move comes in the wake of transgender women being banned from competitive chess by the International Underwater Four-Dimensional Chess Federation (IUF-DCF) and general discontent among mouthy bigots when a transgender girl won an Irish dancing competition on the surface of the moon.

My sources indicate this decision was made after a double blind study involving eight participants and no control group, published by the Grinchian University Center for Unethical Studies and Fictive Statistics (UofG-CUSFS), concluded that transgender women are 17% more effective at spreading Christmas cheer by way of singing loud for all to hear.

What’s more, transgender women who identify as same-sex attracted were reported to be a whopping 23% more likely to make the Yuletide gay.

In an attempt to demystify the results of this study for the laymen among our readership, I reached out to a professor who teaches gender studies at Cornell University, who said, “Huh? What the hell are you talking about?”

Given her involvement in the Irish dancing moon girl debacle, I reached out to Riley Gaines by @ing her on Twitter at eight in the morning yesterday like some sort of ridiculous internet goon to see if she had any thoughts or comments on whether or not transgender women possessed a significant advantage in pretending to be a jolly fat dude for $9 an hour across from a long uncleaned food court featuring a Hot Dog on a Stick.

At the time of publication, Mrs. Gaines has provided no comment. This article will be updated to reflect her opinions should she choose to provide commentary at a later date.

“Yeah, we don’t really care if they’ve been taking hormones or whatever,” NIATM president Chadbury Hollowhead said in an exclusive interview with Assigned Media. “Like, that’s not really why we’re doing this. None of that matters.”

When asked whether or not he thought trans women who had not medically transitioned might, in fact, be more effective at portraying Santa Clause than those who had been undergoing hormone replacement therapy for a prolonged period of time, Mr. Hollowhead answered, “Who gives a shit?”

Shortly after NIATM made their decision public, their chief competitor, Great Plains Substandard Santa Subcontractors (GPSSS) released a statement:

“Those sissies can come work for us, sure,” said GPSSS spokeswoman Eugenia Fisterfield. “If that fucking weenie doesn’t wanna hire chicks with dicks to be Santa, we’ll soak up that market, hell yeah. Those girls are poor as shit, right? We only pay $8 an hour, by the way. No bathroom breaks.”

But every story has a silver lining, even one as bleak as this: Everybody mentioned in this article, and its writer and publisher, were all traveling on board the same airplane for the holidays and it just crashed into a mountain.

There were no survivors.

Happy holidays!