This Week in Barrel Scraping: Why Do These Has-Beens Keep Talking Shit?

Alice Cooper and Carlos Santana talked shit about trans youth and we are pointing and laughing at the lameness of these ploys for relevance among the boomer gen.

by Alyssa Steinsiek

No, it’s fine.

No, really, I enjoy it.

I love writing about washed up has-been cis dudes talking shit about trans people. It’s my favorite thing! It must be, right?

Why else would I keep doing it?

Oh, that’s right… because they won’t shut the hell up about us! First it was The Juice, then 𝔊𝔯𝔦𝔪𝔢𝔰, then American super patriot Enes Kanter. Who’s up next, you ask? None other than dad rock bad boy and cryptkeeper Alice Cooper, and Rolling Stone’s 20th greatest guitarist of all time who hasn’t had a real hit since 1999, Carlos Santana.

Now that’s some serious star power! I wonder if they’ve ever done an old guy collab album…

Let’s start by talking about Cooper.

In an interview with Stereogum on Tuesday, Rachel Brodsky asked Cooper if he, like his peers Paul Stanley and Dee Snider—yeah, throw them on the transphobic dad rock pile—thought trans kids receiving proper, widely accepted health care was “a sad and dangerous fad.”

Cooper answered that, as he understands it, there “are cases of transgender,” but that he was in fact afraid that it could be a fad. I’m gonna write down ‘adjectives’ just beneath ‘transgender people’ in the Shit Alice Cooper Doesn’t Understand scorebook.

Cooper goes on to echo other typical ill-informed transphobic talking points that you’d expect to hear from any addled grandfather who isn’t sure what day of the week it is. He suggests that children are being told they can identify as cats and trees, and jests that there must be some woke think tank in New York deciding that we must now call mothers ‘birthing persons’.[insert AliceSantana1]

screenshot from Sterogum

But don’t worry: Cooper says he isn’t just “old school,” he’s “being logical about it.”

He goes on to insist that what’s in your pants at birth determines your gender, and trots out the age-old trans bathroom panic by suggesting that some man somewhere will soon temporarily identify as a woman to gain access to women’s toilets and cause chaos.

You know, that thing that hasn’t happened even one single time since the trans community was placed under the world’s largest microscope in 2016!

Okay, sure, whatever. Alice Cooper doesn’t have any idea what he’s talking about. Let’s get you back to bed, grandpa.

But what about Carlos Santana?

At a show in Atlantic City, Santana filled the time between songs by vamping about how transgender people are liars who should stay in the closet and talking about how he’s of a like mind on the matter with notorious transphobic comedian Dave Chappelle.

screenshot from Billboard

Damn. Okay, dude.

In a followup comment provided to Billboard, Santana said he wants to “honor and respect all person’s ideals and beliefs whether they are LGBTQ or not,” and that it’s his goal for everybody to “believe what they want and follow in your hearts without fear.” He wraps up by saying it takes courage to be “true, genuine, and authentic.”

Now that’s a damn solid non-statement! I wasn’t sure if I was reading a quote from Santana, a post on Lex, or a message from the most passive aggressive member of a cooperative living situation.

Hey, Mr. Santana? If you think I’m being courageous by living my most authentic life, could you maybe shut the hell up about how I need to stay in the closet? Pretty please?

So let’s get to the heart of this: Why are all these washed up losers suddenly opining about the trans community, and whether or not there are in fact cases of transgender?

I won’t pretend I can read these people’s minds, but I think it’s safe to say that they’re speaking out for the same reason most politicians hop aboard the anti-trans gravy train: They want clout and attention for slamming “wokeness,” and right now, pandering to your conservative fans means razzing transgenders.

Most of these people were famous when my mother was young, so, you know. A huge segment of their most diehard fans are cisgender men creeping up on full blown elderly status.

I will say it is particularly galling to hear this kind of crap from guys who used to—or still do—put on camp costumes and do theatrics on stage to get paid. Like, didn’t Alice Cooper come out as bi in the 1970s? Who are you kidding, dude?

I want to end this on a positive note, though, and point out that more people have our back than don’t. The list of famous musicians, young and old, who in no uncertain terms support and defend the trans community is huge, but I can give you a few of my favorite examples.

Nick Cave recently said he loves his trans fans, and wants them to “receive every right inherent to them and for them to lead lives of dignity and freedom, devoid of violence and prejudice.”

Irish superstar who makes the world just a bit less fair for regular men to exist in, Hozier, has acknowledged the increasing legislative hate for trans people, tweeted that trans rights are human rights, and once waved around a trans flag at a live performance.

Oh, and freaking Beyoncé said "trans is beautiful" while flying over a crowd at a New Jersey show.

Beyoncé!

Our opponents are supported by crumbling-to-ash rockstars reduced to mere wrinkles of their former selves. We have Beyoncé.

We win.