Haters Concerned For Moldemort’s Health
Internet commenters noticed strange dark marks on the walls of Twitter’s most prolific transphobe, hack writer JK Rowling, and wondered… could they be mold? And would this explain her years-long crusade against trans people?
Humor by Alyssa Steinsiek
Okay… if you read my last article, and the headline of this article, I know you’re shaking your head at me right now. I need you to understand this is a service article. I’m doing this woman a kindness by correcting some misinformation floating around. Do you see, now? Do you see how benevolent we transgendereds are? Do you see how magnanimous I personally am?
Well, good. I’m glad we’re on the same page!
So look. Somebody on Twitter took a closer look at JK Rowling’s profile picture and suggested that her house might be covered in black mold, asking, “Is this why she’s the way she is?” It’s a valid question earnestly asked by Twitter user mushycrouton, or Sam, who has locked his account as of the publication of this article. Unsurprising, given the kind of vitriol you see from devout Rowling stans.
Mind you, this isn’t even the first time somebody’s posed the question!
Apparently, in December of 2022, Twitter user MinModulation identified the same peculiar looking dark pattern on Rowling’s walls and asked if it might be mold. Of course, if there was black mold festering in Moldemort’s home, it wouldn’t pass the sniff test as far as diagnosing her obsession with trans folks is concerned.
Black mold is no good for your health, certainly. Symptoms include sneezing, coughing and congestion, and mold in the home is particularly dangerous for anybody with preexisting breathing issues or a mold allergy. Symptoms for mold exposure do not, however, include prolonged paranoia and bigotry regarding an innocent group of people you’ve inexplicably decided to target for perpetual harassment.
Can’t get off the hook that easy, Jo!
Ahem… that is to say, it would be unfair of us all to suggest Rowling is under the influence of some sort of mind controlling spores when, in fact, we know exactly what’s going on with the wallpaper in the background of her various low resolution webcam pictures.
Thanks to YouTuber and host of the Respect the Dead podcast Caelan Conrad, whose work you should totally check out if you appreciate funny queer people, we know that the evil dark squiggles on Jo’s walls are simply a truly hideous illustration of some sort. How can we be so sure? Because Caelan recalled the wallpaper from that super funny time in June of 2022 when Rowling was pranked by a comedy duo who she thought was Ukrainian President Zelensky.
Funny as that was, the duo have apparently pranked other public figures like Kamala Harris and Prince Harry himself. She is in good company, as far as gullible famous people go!
So there you have it. No harm, no foul, no mold. We would hate to see such an absurd and clearly incorrect assumption be floated around as fact. So do not talk about the nonexistent mold in Rowling’s home. Talk instead about the absolutely hideous wallpaper the wealthiest author to ever live puts up in her home!
To cap this educational piece off, I should let you know that Rowling, presumably concerned about the misinformation being spread about her home, changed her profile picture. Kudos to her for picking a higher resolution shot than her usual low quality affairs, but as some astute Twitter users noticed, it… kind of looks like she has a growth coming out of the side of her head, now.
Out of the frying pan and into the fire, Jo!
Alyssa Steinsiek is a professional writer who spends too much time playing video games!
